I have a hard time thinking positively about myself.
Doubt that I’m the only one on this big blue planet that feels this way from time to time, but when your job requires you to put yourself out there on a daily basis to find work and create a following, having self doubt really can cause problems (at least it does for me).
I’m not looking for pity from anyone, I’m just telling everyone how I personally feel relatively often.
There are a lot of factors I can contribute to these feels. A lot of things that have happened in the past has effected me and continues to effect me on a daily basis. trying to overcome that little voice in your head telling you repeatedly, “why do you even bother”, or ,”you’ll never been good enough”, or one of my favorites, “you are a failure”. There area times I don’t hear these voices nearly as strongly as other times, usually when I’m busy on a project and being paid well enough to feel like I’m contributing to my little family. But when the projects finish or are put “on pause” when I know I need the income to feel sane, thats when the self doubt and the torment really starts to sink in…
“See, I told you that you weren’t good enough to hold on to. They want someone with more education. More experience. More talent. You shouldn’t even try anymore. You keep trying but you always end up in the same place… searching for work, having to ask way under what you think you’re worth just to make it, and then they just drop you like you’re nothing… and that’s even if you get the job! HA! Just give up on your dream! Get serious and find a consistent job to provide SOMETHING to your family… you’re failing THEM…”
And it goes on and on and on… THIS IS REALITY TO ME! I hate it!
The people that really know me know how stressed and worried I can get. I am a meticulous person and I like to have a plan. I’m organized and strive to keep order in my home and life… but when it comes to my work life…. it’s an F-ing roller coaster…. (I don’t curse… usually).
I LOVE and HATE being a freelance artist. It’s competitive, inconsistent, and stressful! You can’t guarantee ANYTHING when you freelance. You can’t guarantee that you’ll find work, be chosen for that work, be paid a decent wage for that work, and you have no idea if them saying “more work will be needed after this project is complete” means that you’ve got at least two months worth of consistent work.
IT’S TORTURE for a woman like me. I like things to be organized and planned out.
There was a point I was coming to with all this though…
I love what I do. Because of my talents and hard work, I get to stay home and be with my daughter when she gets home from school. I get to make a warm meal form my family every night (if I want to). I get to work in workout clothes and a baggy t-shirt 90% of the time. I don’t have to commute anywhere and I don’t have to worry about traffic. I get to have my own work-space in the comfort of my home. there’s something so wonderful about all this that even on my roughest days when that voice is screaming in my head, “YOU’LL NEVER ACHIEVE YOUR DREAM”, I can look at my little girl standing next me while I work with her head on my shoulder and think, “yeah, maybe not, but I have plenty more dreams where that come from and plenty have already come true.”
I am so grateful for my job and my talent as a freelance artist and I look forward to so many amazing experiences that I just can’t fathom quite yet.
Keep Creating and Never Give Up,
Lexi